To Kill Or Not To Kill

I was born into a Brahmin family where my grand parents on both sides were pure vegetarians, of the purest kind! My Dida used to tell me how even bread from outside was not allowed inside their home although the rationale behind that, I have now forgotten. And my Dadaji, till this day does not eat even onion or garlic which I find a bit extreme. But despite all this, I grew up as a hardcore non-vegetarian. In part, because my father developed a taste for meat & fish in his college days and used to eat it frequently, and in part also because of my mother, who although a vegetarian herself, did not want to impose her beliefs on us (me and my brother). She wanted us to be open to both and decide for ourselves. Of course, we both went the butter chicken way.

Anyhow, coming back to the present - A couple of days back I found myself having the veg. vs. non-veg. debate with a vegan friend. I thought I could crush any argument and easily defend my choice, but then I recalled an incident from my childhood days and in a flash I knew I was wrong.

I must have been about fifteen, when I happened by chance to be in a butcher shop. I had never been inside one before and didn't really know what to expect. The act of killing the animal, which must necessarily precede it's cooking, had somehow never entered mind in all these years of eating meat!!! The butcher very nonchalantly pulled out a chicken from the cages and held it up high with his left hand. It was squawking furiously, knowing what was to come. Using the knife in his right hand, he made a violent slice across the jugular, threw the chicken in a nearby drum and pressed the lid down waiting for it to bleed to death, all the while engaged in bargaining with the customer for the price of the dying animal.

Apart from the horrible sound and movements the chicken made, a single drop of blood came flying across the room and landed neatly on my left wrist. Needless to say, I was extremely disturbed by what I witnessed and vowed never to touch meat again. This intense feeling lasted about three or four months, but at some point I must have succumbed and began eating again, suppressing the memory somewhere deep inside. But now that the memory has been retrieved again, it changes everything for me...

I have to admit that in all honesty, I cannot defend meat eating from a moral or ethical stand point. It is wrong to cause avoidable harm. In fact, if I was required to kill an animal for meat, barring extreme situations like being stranded without food etc., I would not be able to do it. I suppose that makes me a hypocrite but it's just that we are so far removed from the realities of the butcher shops and slaughter houses, that we have become desensitized to the sight of seeing dead animal parts on our plates.

Now once again I find myself at the cross roads. When I think about eating meat now, I am transported back to that fifteen year old who was disgusted by what he saw. I can't believe that it was only five days ago that I was devouring butter chicken at Moti Mahal in Delhi. The way I feel right now, I don't see myself being able to eat or enjoy meat again, but only time will tell how strong my resolve is...